New Massage Technique: Serenade?

This is a story from a few years back while I was working out in Hawai’i.

I had been referred to a private client by someone who I know longer remember. This client happened to be VP of a particularly prominent shoe brand. As always, I turned the music on prior to setting up so the client can decide if it was what they wanted to relax to. My choice that session was “standards.” Sweet ballads by Ella Fitzgerald, Louis Armstrong, Doris Day, Frank Sinatra, etc. You know… classics. VP asks me how I came to listen to these old singers and I told him I had no idea. I like the music, it reminds me of days that I never lived (in this life). I told him it inspired me to sing and Ella Fitzgerald was my musical preference.
He made a proposition I have still not had matched. He offered me twice the agreed upon rate, if I would ‘serenade’ him to sleep while I gave a massage. I recall agreeing of course. My first (and only) paid singing gig?!  While massaging? Throw in some ballet and I could be on America’s Got Talent!
Like most of my clients, he was passed out within the first 10 (of 90) minutes. At some point I think I went from singing to humming and he actually awoke and said humming was not part of the contract. Ha!!! Amazing. He was asleep and woke up when I stopped singing. ((Good thing I didn’t get caught having stopped the massage – jk. I would never))

Nice guy in a great big cabin in northern west Maui. I never got a bad vibe from him and he followed through with his end of the bargain. If I could make that a new style of massage..  ahhh c’est la vie.

Noni (pronounced Nah-nee)

My entire career as a massage therapist consisted of jumping from this job to that. But I’ve always been consistent about doing my outcalls. An outcall is having a private client call for a massage session at their location (hotel, home, apartment, business, etc). This is where the more sketchy clients come from. This is the part of the job many people get freaked out about. I have had my share of great private outcall clients and not so great.

FYI: I went by the nickname “Noni” out in Hawai’i (take the last few letters of Shannon and put an i at the end). It wasn’t a common name out there but it wasn’t uncommon either. And it was a lot easier for some locals than “Shannon”.

I stayed in an apartment complex in Hawai’i for a year or so and would post my business cards in the laundry area. Sometimes people would call for inquiries but not many took the bait. One of my clients was a Hawai’ian guy.
He was in construction and worked out often and stayed active. He called me asking for a sports massage. The first couple of massages went smooth. The third one was the charm.
After setting up the table, I excused myself to the restroom. As I always do, I told him to give me a shout when he was ready. I heard “Okay” and stepped out and there he was completely naked by the table. Before I even registered the complete nakedness I went back into the bathroom apologizing profusely. I thought he said “okay!”

I come back out when he confirmed he was on the table under the sheets and again apologized. He said no problem just a minor misunderstanding. The massage was only a 30 minute sports massage. It was going quite normal until it was time to turn over. Like a good therapist I hold the draping in a way to not expose the client in an uncomfortable manner. Somehow he snagged a bit of the sheet on the way up but it did not expose anything. As I sat down near his head to work on his neck/chest, he chose that moment to adjust the sheets to normal – giving me a peek of what I didn’t want to see (for a second time in a day).

I disregarded it and finished the massage. As I finished packing up the table he pulled out a joint and offered it to me. As tempting as it was, I try to keep that part of my professionalism away from recreation. For those who don’t get it.. i said no! (proud of me, mom?)
I charged $45 for the 30 minute sports massage. He said he only had $40. Feeling guilty for the exposure earlier I said don’t worry about it. As I pocketed the money, he muttered something:
Him: “since you blkjlfajsdflkasjdflk noni.”
Me: “huh?”
Him: “laskdjfalskdjflskdjfs noni”
Me: “I still don’t understand you”
Him: “alskjdflajsdlfkjs noni”
Me: “All I hear is you saying my name”
Him: “YOU SAW MINE! SHOW ME YOUR PUNANI!!”
Me: “What? No! That was an honest mistake! I thought you said you were ready! I’m not showing you my junk!”
Him: “I’ll give you another $20”
Me: “i thought you said you didn’t have enough for the massage? well keep your $20. i think you need to find a new therapist”.

And I left. He tried to call for another appointment and I “sweetly” told him that the type of massage he was looking for wasn’t what I offered. As I always did with “confused” clients, I referred him to the back of the Weekly.

 

For those who aren’t familiar with the term “punani” look it up in the urban dictionary.

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